Fruit for Thought

No, you sick (beep), that’s not a turd hanging out of my mouth, and no it’s not a cigar either. It’s a dark chocolate Bounty (similar to a Mounds), and I’m washing it down with a diet soda. Don’t bother making a comment about why I’m eating a candy bar yet drinking diet. I have my reasons, and I’m as tired of explaining the reasons for that as I am explaining why I listen to country music.

I’ve been discovering lately that I’m not a fruit eater. It seems like an odd thing to discover since I’m 25 and such a prolific vegetable eater, but it’s something I’ve never really thought much about until I recently found myself in a slightly embarrassing situation.

At work this guy I don’t know very well was eating a nectarine. I looked at it and said “What’s that?” He looked confused, and told me. My reputation with him is probably forever tarnished because the only anecdote he’ll have about me is “Sara? Oh yeah, she’s the girl who didn’t know what a nectarine is.” I’ve heard of a nectarine, but never seen anyone actually eating one. Then I started thinking, “What else don’t I know??”

It’s not that I dislike or avoid fruit, because I have found every fruit I’ve ever tried to be somewhat pleasing, although I had a major altercation with strawberries. When I was about 5 I drank a whole carton of Nesquick Strawberry Milk and then got diarrhea for the next four days, so I didn’t go near anything strawberry for the next 15 years.

The reason I don’t generally eat fruit is because it’s too much work and no reward. I could eat 25 bananas and still be starving, and oranges are too messy. I can’t eat apples because they are more work than oranges. I have to plan hours in advance to eat an apple because I have to make sure my apple slicer is clean and I also have to transport it to wherever I’ll be that day. Then I have to deal with questions like “What is that?” “Why do you have that?” “Why can’t you eat an apple like a normal person?” etc. I can’t eat an apple like a “normal” person because I was born with the teeth of some kind of dinosaur/beast, so I have a permanent metal retainer glued behind all my top and bottom teeth. If you think I’m exaggerating, check out this picture:!/photo.php?pid=31403201&id=32303253

It’s hard to see, but if you look closely you’ll see that my front tooth is at a 45 degree angle. Also, I think I’m supposed to be smiling in that picture, but all I think when I see it is “monster.”

All of this isn’t even mentioning how dangerous eating fruit can be. If you seriously think about it, you are most likely going to be buying the fruit and eating it on the go with no time to wash the fruit or your hands. That means you are digesting potentially fatal pesticides, as well as any bacteria and viruses you have hanging out on your hand that immediately transferred to the fruit when you touched it. What about the person who sold the fruit? Did he wash his hands after a number 2? You need to consider these things.

I sometimes get suspicious when I see people eating random pieces of fruit. There is too good of a chance for my liking that they are similar to the people who don’t drink soda.

You know that snobby  “Oh, I don’t drink soda. I only drink water, har dee har har,” remark you get from those kind when you are at a restaurant and you order a soda and they have tap water. “Oh, I gave that up a long time ago. I really don’t know how you stand it, I mean, it’s so unhealthy even if it is diet.” It gives me the sick feeling that they are so proud of their “accomplishment” that they are secretly touching themselves under the table. Gross.

Anyway, what am I supposed to say to these kinds of comments when I have a chewed-up Bounty sloshing around my mouth in some soda? When my friend Hunter went on this water-only lifestyle change, I just thought “What has he become?” He forced me to view him in a different light, and I don’t know if I can ever look at him the same again. Unless, of course, he’s a soda supporter now.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this. I just thought I’d share my thoughts on fruit. Basically, it’s there, it’s good, but is it worth it? No. I’d rather have a medium-well steak and some veg.


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