Every now and then I’ll have a period of a couple months where I’ll receive the same ad, everywhere I go. One time Mr. Web thought I was extremely hairy(??!), so he kept offering me mass hair removal products.
I can’t figure out what I’ve said or searched for this time that would be causing me to have nothing but single Muslim dating sites advertised to me for weeks on end. Weeks, I say! I asked a girl at my work who actually is Muslim if she gets these ads, and no, she doesn’t. It’s just me. All day, every day.
(Btw, totally listen to that Kooks song. In fact, I’ll link to it at the bottom of this post so you can listen NOW!)
On occasion I’ll get an ad for Banana Republic skirts I’ve already purchased. I kind of feel like if it’s all-knowing enough to know specifically which skirts I viewed, it should know enough to know that I clicked “add to shopping bag,” and know not to show them to me again and again. And again.
The only thing it gets consistently correct is that I love Back to the Future. For years I’ve had ads trying to sell me BTTF merchandise.
So, according to the Web I’m a fashionable single Muslim girl who loves Back to the Future and is extremely hairy.
I love ads. Anyone else have any mystery ads appearing?
Boy did I hate my parents for one long day when I was five. All the kids at kindergarten were talking about who the first people on Earth were. “Idiots,” I thought. I already knew the answer to that question because I asked my parents when I was like, three.
“No one knows,” I said.
“Yeah they do. Adam and Eve,” the kids said.
“No, my parents said no one knows.”
But the kids were so insistent. And they all knew.
I thought they must be right because all the girls also knew who New Kids on the Block were, and had lunch boxes featuring these mysterious “kids.”
Then I got the burning feeling in my cheeks. I was so embarrassed. I’d claimed to know something, but everyone else knew I was stupid and didn’t actually know. I was an idiot with a Disney lunch box.
All day I said I hated my mom and dad for lying to me. I couldn’t understand why they’d lie to me just to make me look stupid. I mean, they were adults so they obviously knew the answer (because adults know everything, right?). Since they obviously knew the answer, that left only one conclusion: they lied to me to make me look stupid.
For some reason I remember only feeling angry and not the actual confrontation, but apparently I went home and kept asking them over and over to see if they’d tell me the right answer. Eventually I ended up believing them until I was 7 when I had a religious friend and decided to be “religious” for a few months. That’s a story for another day.
Age 6 (or so) Sara and a baby Karen
I just found this when I was preparing pictures for a Civil War post I’m working on. I took it from the back seat of the car in September 2010 on or around Jefferson Davis highway in Virginia.
When I was 7 I asked Jesus to come into my heart. I went to church a few times and the leaders told me I needed to find a quiet time and focus on letting Jesus into my heart so he could save me. I decided to wait until I got into bed because it was dark and quiet, and I said, “Jesus, will you come into my heart?” I didn’t feel anything, so I had to assume he went there. A few more church sessions went by, and still no Jesus sightings in my heart.
I was always fortunate enough to have a fortunate life, as Bill Maher would say, so I never needed to worry about Jesus saving me or looking out for me. I also liked to ask A LOT of questions, and questions + church usually equals being told to shut up or leave.
I discovered this video a couple of years ago, and it’s perfect. If you’ve ever wondered what happens when an Atheist meets God, here you go:
You can check out Edward Current’s other religious comedies here. You should check them out because they are hilarious!
This video about what would happen if Jesus Christ ran for president is another of my favorites (also by Current).
The whole point of this discussion is the fact that it’s RAPTURE EVE today! What will you be doing to celebrate your last full day on Earth?
I think I’m just going to finish work, then probably go home and go for a run. I want to be fit for the rapture.
As you know, the world is going to end May 21. Well, not for all of us. Only the select few (about 2% of the world’s population I hear) will be personally collected by Jesus and the rest of us heathens will be left down here to suffer until October 21, when the world officially comes to an end.
Apparently the second coming isn’t going to happen until around 6 p.m. on the 21st, which I’m going to assume is Eastern time. God spends most of his time blessing the United States, so I think it’s fair to assume he’s floating above our time zone.
Also, how will we know it’s happened? I highly doubt anyone I know will be collected by Jesus, so is there going to be some kind of lightning bolt or something to signify that Jesus made it safe and sound? Or will it be kind of like Santa Claus – you know he’s out and about dropping presents down chimneys but you can’t be certain where exactly he is at any given point. It’s not until the next morning when all the presents are there that you know he’s done his business.
Will I still have to go to work during the rapture, or will life on Earth be so chaotic that no one will need to send press releases anymore? I can’t really imagine that, since hardly anyone will be going to heaven so I’d assume life would continue as normal. Most of us will still be here and we’ll need money and stuff to survive until October 21. I guess we don’t need money, but I’d like my last few months on Earth to be comfortable.
One more thing – if you are part of the 2% and you have pets, fear not! For a small fee a number of atheists have offered to make sure your pet is cared for when you are gone. Google something like “pet care after the rapture” to find a result to suit your needs.
So, what are your rapture plans?
There has been a year-long debate in the Mitchell residence about whether or not people melt in lava. What happened was this. I told Adrian about my fear of lava (Which he again says it’s not a fear or phobia as it’s completely understandable. I disagree, because who spends their spare time thinking about lava other than those who are really afraid of it, like me? Checkmate, Adrian.)
Anyway, I was talking about how if you jump into a sea of gently but fiercely flowing lava you will melt into the lava and start flowing as if you are lava.
Adrian says this is ridiculous because you would just burn. Then I counter-attacked with the fact that if I went into a pool of lava you’d be able to scoop me out in a pale and pour me into another container. He says you would be picking up your ash just as you would when you are cremated. I say lava is a totally different, all-consuming thing. You turn into lava. I believe that when you die in lava, you are at one with lava. There’s no room for dust or ash.
When I saw that movie Volcano when I was younger the scene where the guy jumps into lava and slowly melts straight down really affected me. I never got over seeing that and ever since I’ve been terrified of lava. I don’t like to think about the word ‘magma’ either. It gives me the heebie jeebies.
I’m sure someone will pipe up and say, “Duh. Of course you don’t turn into lava,” but that’s not very fun is it? I’m not religious, so things like this are my religion. I choose to believe something ridiculous because it’s funny. And scary. For the love of all that’s holy, please don’t take that away from me.
Some people see the Virgin Mary on a piece of toast or in the form of a chicken nugget. I saw this in my tea cup:
First, I have to start by saying that my train to Cambridge this weekend left from Platform 9 at Kings Cross Station – Platform 9 of the Platform 9 3/4 fame!
Second, I’m sorry, but there are a ton of pictures in this post so brace yourself.
I used to go shopping in Cambridge when I was a teenager, and I knew there was a world-famous university there but I never paid it any attention. I mostly went there with my friends and with Adrian back when we were going steady in high school. That was kind of our “romantic” place, so we decided to go relive our youth yesterday, but holy crap! Cambridge is a totally different place when you aren’t a stupid teenager!
I know there are a lot of famous sites that aren’t in my pictures, but as I said, this was a totally random day out and all the pictures are simply things I stumbled upon.
In the park on the way to the shopping center (centre):
The Round Church
The pub where I had roast beef *wrapped* in a yorkshire pudding!
It seemed like there was a different church on every street corner. We didn’t even have to try to find cool things. All you have to do is walk down the street and you’ll see ten more things you have to go check out.
We decided to go down a random side street and found this place:
A lot of people go punting in Cambridge, and it’s something I’ve always wanted to do. Although it was a nice day I thought it would be better to wait until summer so I could be the one with the stick. I don’t want to risk falling in the river during cold weather!
If you ever come to London, go to Cambridge. It’s a 45 minute train trip and as you can see it’s so much fun!