Tag Archives: Middle School

How to Stuff Your Bra

*Warning: this post contains scenes and words that older people might find to be of an obscene nature. Proceed with caution. Dad, probably don’t read this.

You know how when you’re walking down the street and you see a girl with large breasts you might think, “Wow, that girl’s got some serious melons”?

Well, I don’t have melons. I have apples. I grew mosquito bites around age ten, then at age 13 they grew into apples. In a teen magazine Jennifer Love Hewitt told me they would grow later in my teen years, just like hers did! Jennifer Love Hewitt is a lying jerk with big melons.


In seventh grade lots of girls had boobs that were already close to melon status. At 13! This caused lots of guys to look at me and girls like me and continually comment: “You’re really flat.”

Thanks. Die.

Even though I knew these guys were just mean, I decided I needed to grow boobs. Stat. As I saw it, I was a flat-chested, hairy-armed monster (yeah, I used to get a lot of “your arms are SO hairy” comments, too).

Breast implants were out of the question due to the fact that I was 13. What did that leave me with? Toilet Paper.

I was smart, though. I didn’t want lumpy, fluffy boobs, so I created two reusable boob shapes out of carefully layered toilet paper. I called them “my porkchops.”

I had to do this for about a year, until I noticed they sold padded bras at Target so I got one and never looked back. Then I grew some confidence and realized if a guy doesn’t like me because of my apples, why am I dating him?

I guess my advice to young teenage girls who look like boys would be: Don’t worry. Your boobs will never be bigger than a Golden Delicious, but past high school it won’t matter. In your adult life you’ll actually be glad to have a pair of apples because all the girls with melons will suffer from droopiness and hurty backs!

Live long and prosper.


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A Cool Kid I Met In Kindergarten

When I was in kindergarten I met a kid who was “cool.” He had taken a permanent marker and written cuss words all over his jean shorts.

I immediately thought, “Wow … this kid is so cool. I would be too scared to ever try something like that!”

After I spent a minute thinking about this I realized it was a little scary and then I became skeptical of this kid’s coolness. 

I thought it was scary because if I had even thought about trying something like that and then considered going out in public I’d probably have concave butt cheeks today from the spanking I would have received then. So that led me to think, “What kind of parents does this boy have?!?”

It’s amazing (not really) how 20 more years of life experience will change the way you view the world and people.

If I saw a man today who had written cuss words in permanent marker all over his jean shorts I would immediately think: “Psychopath.”

No amount of subsequent thought would lead to a lesser conclusion. Perhaps I’d take away the “path,” but the “psycho” would likely remain. Is there a difference? Probably not technically, but it does seem to take down the insult a notch.

I don’t know what made me recall this kid, but I really wish I knew his name so I could look him up on Facebook and ask  him if he is still writing cuss words on his pants.

Facebook and MySpace (5 years ago) lead to all kinds of random connections, good and bad.

A couple years ago this kid I knew in seventh grade either added me on MySpace or we somehow got in contact, I can’t remember. I told him I didn’t remember much about him, only that one day when I was being a greasy pimple geek with braces* either by myself or with one of my greasy pimple geek friends during lunchtime, he came up to me and said, “Hey Sara, guess what?”

I got really excited because he was “popular” and kind of cute, plus he was on my basketball team so I figured maybe he had risen above middle school culture and decided it was OK to talk to a geek and maybe we could be friends.

Then he said, “You’re ugly!!” and all of his friends started laughing and they walked off.

So yeah, I told him how I remembered this and he said he didn’t remember saying that, and he can’t see why he would have said it because I “look really hot now.” Thanks.

*To be sure on my geek status, when I first got braces just after I turned 12, they gave me a shirt that said “BRACES UNIVERSITY: Straight Teeth Honor Society.” I still have it. I should put it back in circulation in my wardrobe because it’s so geeky it’s cool. The other choice of shirt at the orthodontist was a white T-shirt that simply said “braces,” but it was written in pink cursive (as the Brits would say: joined up writing), and it had confetti flying all around it.

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