Tag Archives: Mean Girls

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They took our jobs!

See this:

That’s the face of someone who took your job. Assuming you’re English, of course. This weekend I passed my Life in the UK test, which is one requirement of my giant application to continue working in England.

Before we talk about me, let’s sit down together and watch this clip from South Park. It’s hilarious, and sadly true.

Well, only watch about 20 seconds of it because the rest is just a repeat. The episode is funnier.

When I went to take my test Saturday there was a group of about 10 white people from Zimbabwe also applying for a visa, and it made me think of the scene in Mean Girls where Karen asks Cady why she’s white if she’s from Africa. Skip to second 25 to see that scene, and then directly after is another one of my favorite scenes where Damien says, “Oh my god, Danny Devito! I love your work!”

They definitely don’t make the immigration process easy. It’s SO EXPENSIVE. To be a legal worker in the UK you first have to pay around $1,500 for a visa for two years, and submit a giant package full of bank statements, letters between you and your partner, pictures of you together, and a bunch of other stuff. Then after two years you have to do the same thing all over again and pay another $1,500 for another visa to keep working, but you still can’t be a citizen and if you leave the country for more than two years you lose your right to come back and work. After three years I can apply for citizenship, and I’m certain the Brits will try to charge me another $1,000 for the privilege of having them spend a whole 5 minutes looking at my application that took me days to compile.

Oh, here’s a tip if you are an international couple like us. YOU CAN STAND IN THE SAME LINE AT IMMIGRATION. I was seriously angry after Adrian spent more than an hour in line at US immigration while I breezed through, then I spent about an hour at UK immigration while he breezed through. The lady took one look at my visa and said, “Oh, if you’re with your husband you can always go through the same lines since you’re a family.” WTF?? Everywhere??? Yep!

I don’t actually have my visa yet, but hopefully they’ll return it soon!

 

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Why I never took LSD

I think we can all agree that the D.A.R.E. program is worthless. For those of you who didn’t have the pleasure of participating and earning a dorky shirt you’d never wear, D.A.R.E. stands for “Drug Abuse Resistance Education.”

D.A.R.E. is basically taught in a Coach Carr from Mean Girls style.

“At your age, you’re going to have a lot of urges. You’re going to want to take off your clothes, and touch each other. But if you do touch each other, you will get chlamydia… and die.”

Except D.A.R.E. tells you not to do drugs or drink alcohol because you will suffer blackouts and you will die.

My point in this post is not to talk about the ways in which D.A.R.E. is worthless.

It’s to talk about a dumb thing that happened the other night. Adrian was talking to me about aliens, LSD and its hallucinogenic effects, and I said, “Yeah, but doesn’t LSD make you jump out of windows and stuff? I don’t think I’d risk it just to see hallucinations imprinted by aliens.”

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I said this because that’s what I learned in D.A.R.E. all those years ago. I took it in, accepted it, and because I’m a straight edge I never did any drugs or drank in high school. I generally follow rules because they aren’t meant to be broken, and things are so much nicer when they are orderly. My friend Robin wrote a really funny post about being well behaved and the importance of not breaking rules, which you should totally read.

Anyway, so I never took LSD and since I had no other point of reference, I always just associated LSD trips with jumping out of windows. Then Adrian said, “What if you’re in a bungalow?”

Oh.

… what if you’re in a bungalow? I never thought about that. And this is where D.A.R.E. fails. They should have prepared me for answers to these kinds of questions. * Don’t worry, Adrian would never do drugs either and he wasn’t trying to get me to do any.

Luckily I’m not an impressionable youth who hangs around questionable characters. Otherwise, this question may have stumped me and I’d have been forced to try LSD.

Also, by not teaching me the drug’s real name, Lysergic acid diethylamide, I have missed out on multiple opportunities to look cool. Whenever people mention LSD, I could squint my eyes, pretend to be confused and say, “Ohhh … you mean Lysergic acid diethylamide?” I’ve missed out on years of this.

One more interesting fact: until I did a little research on LSD, I didn’t know it was colloquially called “acid.” I thought that was something else. Like mushrooms or something.

I need drug education.

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