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How to Stuff Your Bra

*Warning: this post contains scenes and words that older people might find to be of an obscene nature. Proceed with caution. Dad, probably don’t read this.

You know how when you’re walking down the street and you see a girl with large breasts you might think, “Wow, that girl’s got some serious melons”?

Well, I don’t have melons. I have apples. I grew mosquito bites around age ten, then at age 13 they grew into apples. In a teen magazine Jennifer Love Hewitt told me they would grow later in my teen years, just like hers did! Jennifer Love Hewitt is a lying jerk with big melons.

http://www.topnews.in/light/files/Jennifer-Love-Hewitt.jpg

In seventh grade lots of girls had boobs that were already close to melon status. At 13! This caused lots of guys to look at me and girls like me and continually comment: “You’re really flat.”

Thanks. Die.

Even though I knew these guys were just mean, I decided I needed to grow boobs. Stat. As I saw it, I was a flat-chested, hairy-armed monster (yeah, I used to get a lot of “your arms are SO hairy” comments, too).

Breast implants were out of the question due to the fact that I was 13. What did that leave me with? Toilet Paper.

I was smart, though. I didn’t want lumpy, fluffy boobs, so I created two reusable boob shapes out of carefully layered toilet paper. I called them “my porkchops.”

I had to do this for about a year, until I noticed they sold padded bras at Target so I got one and never looked back. Then I grew some confidence and realized if a guy doesn’t like me because of my apples, why am I dating him?

I guess my advice to young teenage girls who look like boys would be: Don’t worry. Your boobs will never be bigger than a Golden Delicious, but past high school it won’t matter. In your adult life you’ll actually be glad to have a pair of apples because all the girls with melons will suffer from droopiness and hurty backs!

Live long and prosper.

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