I’m not pregnant, just fat.

Illustration of a fine pregnant woman stroking her bump. By: me.

When I worked at Banana Republic one of my co-workers wasn’t fat, but she had a large stomach. At first I thought she was pregnant because it was rather round, kind of like a baby bump. I never said anything because I figured if she did happen to be pregnant she’d certainly mention it.

Then the store security guard asked her when the baby was due. Awwwwkwarrrd.

So naturally she said she wasn’t pregnant, and more awkward silence ensued.

If that happened to me I’d be so embarrassed of my baby-o-fat that I’d go with it. I’d make up a date that sounded good and then find a way to never talk to the person again. That way the person could figure out on their own time that I wasn’t pregnant, just fat, and neither of us would be caught in an awkward exchange of silence and resentment.

Besides the fact that I just don’t care about babies, I never mention a potential pregnancy until it’s brought up by the mother first because there is always that chance she’s actually just fat and it’s not good to be on either side of that conversation.



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8 responses to “I’m not pregnant, just fat.

  1. OHMYGOD!! FUNNIEST POST EVER. You totally wrote it in my voice.

  2. Kathy Kuhlman

    Um, that happened to me a few months after I got married to your dad. I don’t consider 125 pounds to be “fat” but obviously the dolt that asked me “when the baby was due” thought so. I never ask because I figure it’s none of my business And I don’t care. It must run in the family. 🙂

  3. I would do the same think. I would have baby names picked out etc. That poor girl. That would be mortifying.

  4. Yeah, that’s never a good thing to guess about. I know that after you have a baby, you can still look pregnant for a little while, so I’m prepared for someone to ask me when the baby is due after I have her. They just better not ask while I’m holding her or pushing her in the stroller or something!

    • I just can’t understand why people ask! You should write about what your stomach feels like after you have the baby because I’ve always wondered that, like if it feels really wobbly or whatever. I don’t know why I have always wondered that because it’s a weird thought, but I just have!

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