Only a week to go until the second coming of Christ!

As you know, the world is going to end May 21. Well, not for all of us. Only the select few (about 2% of the world’s population I hear) will be personally collected by Jesus and the rest of us heathens will be left down here to suffer until October 21, when the world officially comes to an end.

Apparently the second coming isn’t going to happen until around 6 p.m. on the 21st, which I’m going to assume is Eastern time. God spends most of his time blessing the United States, so I think it’s fair to assume he’s floating above our time zone.

Also, how will we know it’s happened? I highly doubt anyone I know will be collected by Jesus, so is there going to be some kind of lightning bolt or something to signify that Jesus made it safe and sound? Or will it be kind of like Santa Claus – you know he’s out and about dropping presents down chimneys but you can’t be certain where exactly he is at any given point. It’s not until the next morning when all the presents are there that you know he’s done his business.

Will I still have to go to work during the rapture, or will life on Earth be so chaotic that no one will need to send press releases anymore? I can’t really imagine that, since hardly anyone will be going to heaven so I’d assume life would continue as normal. Most of us will still be here and we’ll need money and stuff to survive until October 21. I guess we don’t need money, but I’d like my last few months on Earth to be comfortable.

One more thing – if you are part of the 2% and you have pets, fear not! For a small fee a number of atheists have offered to make sure your pet is cared for when you are gone. Google something like “pet care after the rapture” to find a result to suit your needs.

So, what are your rapture plans?



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11 responses to “Only a week to go until the second coming of Christ!

  1. Don’t the rest of us Jews, agnostics, atheists, etc. walk the earth forever more without our heads or something like that? I don’t remember how it works. I would ask my born-again Christian cousins since they seem to enjoy praying and crying for my soul as well as my son’s when they aren’t informing him that his biological dad will be going to hell for cheating on me when we were married or buying him a children’s bible behind my back, but then they might think I’m curious enough to accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior and then I might join their home-schooling group so that Noah can grow up in a bubble of church and not learn about sleeping around or drinking beer at frat parties. Oh wait, that doesn’t answer your question about the rapture does it? Hmmm…well I won’t be able to work without my head and pigging out on hot fudge sundaes seems out of the question as well, because without my head I won’t have a mouth, so…wow…me and all my headless friends are royally fucked I think.

  2. I keep offering people who predict the end of the world a bet for any amount of money that they care to name that the world won’t end. No takers so far.

    If things do go agley, I intend to enjoy my last few months in active rioting and pillaging.

  3. OMG, this cracks me up! We’ve been seeing the billboards on the interstate for a while now and counting down our last days. I had no idea that such a small number of people were being “collected”. Whew! What a relief! I’m sure I’ll be safe here for a while, which is nice because I kind of wanted to meet my baby and all:) And the pet thing? Hysterical!

    • Who knows, Adrianne, your baby may be one of those who is collected since she hasn’t had time to sin yet! Seriously though, that is an interesting question. Do babies or the unborn get collected? They haven’t done anything yet so it would be very unfair to let them suffer until October.

      • Oh no! I hadn’t thought about that. But you make a good point. I wonder how that would work. I’ll have to ask my sister the fate of unborn babies on JUDGMENT DAY (it deserves all caps I think). I’m sure she’ll know:)

  4. hairman1

    So funny! I will be back for more by you 😉

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