How to Stuff Your Bra

*Warning: this post contains scenes and words that older people might find to be of an obscene nature. Proceed with caution. Dad, probably don’t read this.

You know how when you’re walking down the street and you see a girl with large breasts you might think, “Wow, that girl’s got some serious melons”?

Well, I don’t have melons. I have apples. I grew mosquito bites around age ten, then at age 13 they grew into apples. In a teen magazine Jennifer Love Hewitt told me they would grow later in my teen years, just like hers did! Jennifer Love Hewitt is a lying jerk with big melons.

http://www.topnews.in/light/files/Jennifer-Love-Hewitt.jpg

In seventh grade lots of girls had boobs that were already close to melon status. At 13! This caused lots of guys to look at me and girls like me and continually comment: “You’re really flat.”

Thanks. Die.

Even though I knew these guys were just mean, I decided I needed to grow boobs. Stat. As I saw it, I was a flat-chested, hairy-armed monster (yeah, I used to get a lot of “your arms are SO hairy” comments, too).

Breast implants were out of the question due to the fact that I was 13. What did that leave me with? Toilet Paper.

I was smart, though. I didn’t want lumpy, fluffy boobs, so I created two reusable boob shapes out of carefully layered toilet paper. I called them “my porkchops.”

I had to do this for about a year, until I noticed they sold padded bras at Target so I got one and never looked back. Then I grew some confidence and realized if a guy doesn’t like me because of my apples, why am I dating him?

I guess my advice to young teenage girls who look like boys would be: Don’t worry. Your boobs will never be bigger than a Golden Delicious, but past high school it won’t matter. In your adult life you’ll actually be glad to have a pair of apples because all the girls with melons will suffer from droopiness and hurty backs!

Live long and prosper.

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39 Comments

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39 responses to “How to Stuff Your Bra

  1. I’m quite happy with my apples too! Who wants saggy melons in their shirt?

    Also, the arm hair post? Hilarious!! I shave my arms too! And I get all of the same FAQ’s. How can people think it’s so difficult? Of all of the places I shave, my arms are by FAR the easiest and most painless. Everything about that post was just perfection, and I totally relate to all of it (except I don’t trust myself to cut my own hair; however I’m very impressed that you do!).

  2. Hahaha! We all want what we can’t have…

    But I still love my melons.

    -Lucky

  3. Jennifer Love Hewitt also said girls need to steer clear of guys with skidmarked underpants. Uppity bitch.

  4. Funny post! I am a lot older, but when I was young, I had “mosquito bites.” I bought an exercise contraption for breast enlargement that came in a plain wrapped box in the mail. I think every girl in the neighborhood bought one. Lot of mosquito bites..lol..

  5. Kathy Kuhlman

    I’ve said it many times…you’re lucky not to have big melons.

  6. Awesome. What’s smaller than an apple? A kiwi? Plum? That’s what I have.
    I was always too afraid of getting caught stuffing to try it, but when I was like 14 I had a bathing suit top that was really padded, so I wore it as a bra all the time to give myself a boost. And, like you, I was certain that as soon as I got a little older I’d be set, but clearly that development never happened. But you’re right, as soon as you get out of high school it totally stops mattering.

  7. Kim Pugliano

    I. LOVE. YOU.

  8. Kim Pugliano

    P.S. Have a baby, get watermelons, nurse the baby, shrink to lemons. OR the watermelons turn into bananas.

    (sigh)

    • Oh man…I want to skip the being pregnant and first three years part and just go straight to when the kid is ready to go. Maybe I should adopt. I heard some women lose their teeth when they are pregnant.

  9. I may be the only girl in history who wished her breasts would go away in high school. Sometimes I still do. Is there a fruit between apples and melons? Idk, I think my C cup looks way huge on me because I’m like 5 ft. I’ve always wanted tiny breasts. Is this TMI? This is why I shouldn’t type.

    Also, hairy arms are no big deal. People are weird when they make a big deal of it and think it’s shocking girls have armhair. I nair that shit whenever it becomes noticeable. It’s the least of my body worries.

    • Yeah, I think about my arm hair for about 2 seconds every couple days, and that’s only because that’s how long it takes to shave it. I’d never think about it if people didn’t mention it.

      And don’t worry, you’ll probably never gross me out so TMI away! I say probably in case you have a 2 girls 1 cup story, and that might gross me out.

  10. LL

    I still ❤ your posts, so I still stalk you =/

    I grew to ❤ my plums (closest in fruit size)!

    I always thought over padding was a bit high school, so when my 24 year old friend still does it I am weirded out. She keeps saying that she really needs it. Then again, it is better than plastic surgery. Her porkchop bra looks incredibly Hard and Uncomfortable (like the padding is suffocating/squishing her breasts). No one should go through that! I want to liberate her, or at least get a more comfortable bra with the amnt of padding she feels she needs.

  11. The lesson that I wish everyone would learn is with regard to our bodies, each person will be physically attractive to someone, given the vast diversity of desire. We don’t need to be the object of desire to the whole world. My partner and I are attracted to each other, and that’s all that matters.

    Besides which, I sometimes think that what others think of me is none of my business. That lets me get on with being me.

    • I agree. Life is so much more fun when you aren’t worrying about what other people are thinking about you. If only middle schoolers could learn this lesson sooner!

      • LL

        Unfortunately I find that media brainwashing is limiting or at least helping to shape what people “should find attractive.” I still remember being obsessed with Heidi Montag’s 20 surgeries (something like that) and I found posts with an argument that she looks better now than she did before. (Excuse me, she looks like Barbie at 40 now. She was also cute before she got triple Ds and cut open her face!) Anyway, this of course concluded in a plastic vs real debate with a large amnt of guys voting for plastic. Real boobs are apparently disgusting to the larger male population. I don’t have anything against fake boobs but I think it is sad that they think what is natural is disgusting.

      • Um…I am a middle schooler and I have leard that lesson

  12. Pingback: The time(s) I burned four shirts with my iron. « RAM (random access memory)

  13. Tsuki

    This doesn’t tell you HOW to stuff your bra. >.> Rip-off.

  14. Im only 34a, and i didnt start worrying about my cup size until i noticed my friends in highschool were getting bigger faster then me i have tried stuffing once but i found it uncomfertable and stupid so i started searching for a padded and extremly good push up bra found my perfect bra and wal mart and still use it til this day!

  15. Jaida

    I dont stuff my bra………….yet…..……… but i get alot of comments sayin that i dont got nothin but i am going into a size B in SIXTH grade! I love my haters they motovate me lol 🙂

  16. Thanks even thow I’m 11 I undrestand now that I shuldent stuff my bra because their are some who will say. :I’m flat chested but ill say how do u now do u look at me naked?p.s. I’m kinda like u have hary arms 2 and now I’m proud that I’m flat chested and have hariy arms thanks agen 😀

  17. Lucy Albright

    Lol I don’t even have apples and I’m 12 I really need to shave my arms but no cuz I’ll cut my self with a razor thanks mom D-:

  18. danika stone

    hey i don stuff im a 30a should have ab though but im only12ill grow. my arm pits were hairy now i shave so qho cares doesnt matter luv your story!

  19. leah

    i have melons i was a 34 in 4 grade in 5th-b cup 6th-c 7th-d now iam 13 DD

  20. leah

    i used 2 b bullied about it i cried alot now all the grape sized populars are jealous

  21. Haha, this is funny! Some girls do pray in a saint church to grow their melons the way Salma Hayek did when she was a teenager!! 🙂

    Subhan Zein

  22. Sarah

    I’m a lesbian and as an adult, chose to have saline implants. I was a 38B, now a 38D. I just wanted a better shape and more proportional boobs. I really like them and my gf does too.

    But one thing I havemt seen mentioned is that I think there’s much to be said of sexy nipples. And if you’re an ‘A’ cup, why not go braless – at least outside of school or work, ladies? Many models also have small tits and I think with the right top, they look so darn sexy! My gf has ‘A’s’ and I love how they look so pointy and pert.

    Ladies, if you have smaller tits, look for sexy fabrics that are thinner and maybe button up. Then, just hold your chin up and walk like you own the place. I’m pretty sure boys-and girls will see you differently. Nipples are the thing! 😉

  23. ANGRY

    You guys are so lucky, I’m a size 38DD bra size and I’m only 15. Whenever I talk to boys they’re always looking down there at my boobs. And then whenever I run or do PE they hurt so much, and they feel so heavy to me. I hate it. One time I was even kissing a guy, and he started squishing and rubbing my boobs around, that hurt to. Girls even ask me stuff like, how do you get such big boobs. And some even tell me you know Jacob likes your boobs. and wants to f**k you. So embarrassing.

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