I got invited to a party.

You thought I made a friend, didn’t you? Nope! I assure you – I’m still 100 % friend free, just the way you like me. No added sugar or preservatives.

Adrian has a friend, however, and it was this friend who invited me to his house party. By “invited me” I mean Adrian was invited to bring a plus one.

The first excuse I thought of was:

“I’m sorry. I’ve got fleas.”

It sounds ridiculous, but that’s why it’s so perfect. No one would suspect that a person actually made up having fleas to get out of a going to a party. The “I’m washing my hair” excuse is so 1950s.

Picture is from http://animals.howstuffworks.com/insects/flea.htm

Also, Adrian could spin this into a really good story that makes me sound like a wholesome person with love to spare.

“Yeah, Sara’s spent so much time at the local animal shelter trying to get kittens and puppies a home in time for Christmas that she was really unfortunate and caught fleas off the incoming strays. She should be OK in a couple weeks, but probably you shouldn’t ask her about it because she’s really embarrassed and doesn’t want people to misunderstand and think she’s just dirty.”

Picture from http://texas.inetgiant.com/kingwoodtx/AdDetails/FREE-Kittens-Very-Cute/5611089

People say I should attend parties and such so that I can meet people. But honestly, have you ever met anyone at a party that you actually wanted to talk to for more than 5 minutes, or at all? It’s not that I dislike people or have a bad time (usually), it’s that it’s mentally exhausting having to make so much conversation and all I get from it is being tired and headachey on the weekend.

When I’m with Mulder and Scully I might not have a friend, but I feel fantastic on the weekend!

You might be confused because I regularly say I prefer house parties over going to a bar, a few reasons being that it’s cheaper and I don’t like to get beer sloshed on me by “funny” drunk people. I’m adamantly against house parties where I don’t know anyone except one or two people. There is no way out.

I’ll come back to this point in a second.

The other night I met Adrian and his work friends for a drink in Shoreditch, London’s area for people who are “hip,” “artsy” or “cool.” Generally you need big framed glasses, ripped up/dirty skinny jeans and some mismatched vintage clothing to truly fit in.

Things were going well. We were talking, laughing, drinking our drinks, and then Adrian dropped the bomb on me.

“I have to go to the toilet. I’ll be right back.”

My heart stopped a little. I’d be all alone. I panicked. The two people we were with started talking about something in which I had no way to add anything to the conversation. Adrian was gone.

I looked at my wine glass and tried to act interested in the way wine looks in a glass. I looked at other people, trying to seem cool and casual.

“This doesn’t bother me. I’m cool. I’m just hanging out in a bar, with other people who are hanging out in a bar.”

My face started to get really hot from fear and embarrassment.

“Maybe I should just go to the bathroom too. I can stand in the privacy of the  stall and drink my wine, Lindsay Lohan Mean Girls style.”

At this point the girl noticed I was looking rather pathetic and asked me how my job was going. I put on my game face and started acting cool again, like I wasn’t just considering drinking my wine alone on the toilet.  Then Adrian came back. Whew!

Back to my earlier point. At a house party there is no escape. I wouldn’t have the option of backing out of awkwardness. If I went to the bathroom for 10 minutes people would think I was laying down a steamer and that would be even worse!

“Who was that spectacled girl Adrian brought to the party last night?”

“Who, steamer chick?”

“Yeah, is that his wife?”

Despite all of this I’ll go to the party, because as I learned from Tammy Wynette, you’ve got to stand by your man. After all, he’s just a man.

Could this video get any creepier?

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17 Comments

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17 responses to “I got invited to a party.

  1. Oh my goodness, I love your blog! I’ve just spent way too long reading through old posts and giggling at my desk when I should be working!

  2. I don’t know where to begin in regards to how much I love this post. Or related to it.

    I’m pretty socially awkward and parties and group hangouts are my downfall if they are with my boyfriend’s friends. The whole thing in regards to your husband going to the bathroom? Oh my god. It happens everytime. It’s usually my cue to pull my phone out to pretend I’m texting but I’m just texting Joe to come the fuck out and save me. And yes, I stare at my glass or my food like it’s some sort of specimen. I look at twitter updates on my phone like I actually gave a shit about half the things people said. Worst situation ever.

    And like you said, house parties include the whole “no means of escape” thing. It’s very difficult.

    “Who was that spectacled girl Adrian brought to the party last night?”

    Pretty sure this is what all of my boyfriend’s friends have said about me at some point.

    Also, I actually had fleas once. It’s the perfect excuse. My cat brought them in after he ran away and since I reside in a basement at home, they colonized the area and I got chewed up every night. It was pretty awful. But a good excuse, especially since you have a cat.

    Sorry for the long comment.:)

    • I don’t actually laugh out loud at stuff I read very much, but I seriously lol’d at pretty much your whole comment, especially when you said you got fleas. Sorry. I just was not expecting that and I love how candidly you speak about the incident. Is candidly even a word? For some reason it sounds ridiculously stupid.

      “It’s usually my cue to pull my phone out to pretend I’m texting but I’m just texting Joe to come the fuck out and save me.”

      Excellent.

  3. I find this post absolutely hilarious but that’s only because its true of me as well. You’ve written it better than I would have been able to…

    Currently, I’m invited to one of my best friend’s birthday party dinner. As much as I love my best friend I’m not excited about being at a restaurant with about 20-40 people I haven’t seen in ages and don’t really hang out with currently even though we are all connected on Facebook. I’m out of excuses because the game I was going to play in got canceled and I’m no longer needed as a piano player at an event on Friday. I can’t lie because he always finds out! Ugh, such decisions.

  4. Kim Pugliano

    Bring me! Ohmygosh we’ll have SO MUCH fun. We’ll just make witty comments to each other about everyone else. I can’t wait. I’ll be on the next plane.

    My favorite line:

    I looked at my wine glass and tried to act interested in the way wine looks in a glass.

  5. Kathy Kuhlman

    Next time tell Adrian to hold it!

  6. I totally feel your pain, especially when the partner goes to the loo and your on your own! How long have you been in the UK now? I’ve been in Malta for four months and still have no friends! I work, and I get along with my colleagues at work but they’re not friends. I wouldn’t see them outside of work. If one of them is on the same bus as me I practically hide under the seat!x

    • Ha ha, that’s funny. I’ve been here more than a year, but I only just got a job a few months ago. All the people I work with are totally cool and I’d go out for drinks after work but no one I’d call or text just to talk to or hang out with randomly. Work friends are always different than regular life friends.

  7. I so get this! One of my going out buddies doesn’t. He’s always doing something so I can always rely on him for a night out. But he knows so many people that I have to make sure someone else with whom I feel comfortable is also going to be there. He thinks I can just talk to random people! Which I can. Just not sober.

    Having said all that, I am an invitation-whore. It takes a lot for me not to go out. It’s sad. And expensive.

  8. Your attitude about parties agrees with mine. Sitting around having five minute chats with strangers is just creepy. What’s wrong with a well-thought-out party with an organizer who is responsible for keeping a conversation going and who chooses guests by interest and personality?

    Eh, perhaps I just don’t get invited to those. . .

    • Exactly! That is the kind of party I want to go to. When I have people over I feel responsible for everyone having a good time and I don’t invite a lot of people who don’t know each other. I don’t think these kinds of parties exist anymore, or you are right, we just don’t get invited to them!

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