There are a few things you need to know about my good friend Clay. He’s an avid Chicago Bears fan, he hates bats with a violent passion, and if a T-shirt doesn’t come out of a package he’s almost certainly not interested.
Most importantly, he’s not afraid to stand up for what he believes in, even if this means merciless ridicule by his closest of friends.
I highly recommend that you read his alternative lifestyles review on sleeping in a sleeping bag, because it will change your life. Well, that might be going a little far, but at the very least it will give you quite a few hearty chuckles.
Here are a few choice excerpts from the review which I have made bold (bolded?), and my comments/responses are italicized.
For much of my life I have slept in a sleeping bag. Not simply on the rare occasions in which I would actually go camping, but on regular nights when I would sleep indoors. This was never something I did just for the sake of being weird as has been suggested, but because I genuinely believed it to be the most comfortable way to sleep. Believing in this school of thought firmly, I always assumed I would be able to convert my friends, or at the very least, not have them snicker at and mock me for how I chose to live my life.
Of course, I failed to take into consideration that most of the people I would consider to be “good” friends unfortunately are people who seemed to live so far up their own assholes it’s borderline stunning that oxygen was able to reach their lungs. It was enough to make me give up on spreading the word forever.
Somehow I think he’s talking about me or Robin. Or both.
Don’t be surprised if your “friends” start telling you that you’re “weird” or “stupid” and that until you learn to “nestle up against the warm bosom of sweet lady normality,” you’ll “never know the satisfaction of living the rich and full life that comes with being an unpaid intern at a satirical news publication who produces about one quality article out of five on even its hottest of streaks.” Seriously, who the fuck gets so situation-specific when delivering a life lesson!?
Almost certainly talking about Robin here, seeing as how she works at The Onion, but I could be wrong.
And even if you do get depressed by the new betrayal, what better to chase the sadness away than about 17 hours of sack time? It’s like thermally insulated Prozac.
Why is it that we live in a world where the creepy weirdos who own Snuggies get to have big Macarena parties while a guy who sleeps in a sleeping bag has an unflattering cartoon series depicting him as some sort of weird human/hot dog hybrid about him created by his co-workers? That is this man’s definition of unfair.
Yep, I’m the proud owner of the human/hotdog hybrid cartoon, and I feel it was a bit rude of Clay not to mention me specifically. What if other people want to hire my cartooning talents?
Also, I’m part of the Snuggie community and we are not creepy. We are warm, cozy and … happy. Are you telling me this isn’t sexy:
I can honestly say it’s one of the best presents I’ve ever received. My mom loves me.
While the realist in me acknowledges perhaps I should find better ways to excite myself than buying a new sleeping bag, the fact is this: I’m 26 and still sleeping in the same room as when I was born. At that point it’s not so much a bedroom as it is a chamber for me to eventually hang myself in.