Ever since I moved to London I’ve read an unprecedented amount of books. Seeing as how I’ve always liked to read, I attribute this 100% to the fact that I take public transportation 100% of the time I need to transit myself.
Back when I lived in the USA, where you have to drive literally across the street to go to the grocery or risk being hit by high-speed traffic, I had to make time to read. A lot of time is spent traveling to and from work, and I’m not one of those people who believes in driving on the interstate and thinking, “You know what? This is an interstate. The road is completely straight. Why not put my book on the steering wheel and read while I drive?” Those people should go to jail. Immediately.
You know what else I don’t believe in? Reading on the toilet. One of the many, many reasons I hate going into other people’s homes is because if I have to use their bathroom and I see any reading material other than the backs of soap bottles a slight feeling of sickness comes over me.
This might surprise you because I’m always up for a toilet humor conversation. If you want to tell me about how that curry you ate last night has just caused your butt hole to breathe fire and shoot out flaming poops in between farts so loud they ricochet off the bowl and echo into the hallway, fine by me. Go right ahead. In fact, I’ll match it by pulling a story out of my vault of horrific toilet-related stories involving me and various foods containing peppers, curry, or caffeine.
So, back to seeing reading material in other people’s bathrooms. It really does make me feel sick, and it gets worse with the type of reading material. Some people aren’t satisfied with a simple flip through a magazine. No, these sickos have a stack of books by their toilet, like they plan ahead to have a good sit down! How can you happily sit there and read with little hot nuggets festering in the water below you, slowly turning the water immediately surrounding them orange? Oh god, it’s just too sick to imagine, but that’s all I can think of when I walk into someone else’s bathroom and there is a book nestled between the toilet paper and air freshener.
I say if you are in there so long you have time to read anything of considerable length, pull your pants back up and leave the bathroom because you obviously don’t have to go very badly unless you have a medical condition, in which case you should pull your pants back up and go to the doctor.
My point is, get off your toilet and relocate to a place where you don’t need a car and this problem will be solved because you’ll be reading so much on public transport that you won’t need to read on the toilet anymore. Everyone will be happy, and most importantly that is one thing that can be removed from the checklist of reasons why I hate other people’s homes.
Also, speaking of toilets, I might as well share with you the fantastic news that the toilet seat in my house got fixed and as I said on Facebook, I couldn’t be happier. I’m so happy with it that I almost wish I didn’t have all of these hang ups about reading on the toilet because then I could spend a little extra time on it. To read about my prior toilet seat/landlord problems, click here. If you are simply interested in my new toilet, see below: