Not Your Average Beverage

People always ask hypothetical questions like: “What would you do if you were a woman/man for a day?”

Usually the answers fall somewhere in the sexually obscene range.

When I was trying to go to sleep last night after getting home from a late shift, I came up with an answer to this question without even asking it to myself. I was in bed and I  had to pee for the third time, which is really annoying. 

I was thinking I’d have to get up slowly so I didn’t wake Adrian, try not to trip over anything and hurt my ankles, and once I was in the bathroom I’d have to sit on the toilet seat really slowly to make sure I didn’t fall off or into the bowl because the seat is broken and the landlord won’t fix it because in all likelihood he is dead and I’m too cheap to buy a new one, then I’d have to make it back to bed and try not to wake up Adrian.

Then it dawned on me:

“It would be so great if I had a penis right now. I could just roll over on my side, put the the tip of my willy into a bottle, pee, cap the bottle, place it in the trash can, then go back to sleep. No one would be woken up and no one would get hurt.”

Then I started thinking that if I did get the opportunity to be a man for a day, this is what I would do. I would pee in bottles all day. Men don’t realize how lucky they are to have urinary mobility. They can just unzip and unleash any time/location they please.

During my man day I would absolutely insist on going on a long car trip. In the middle of the trip I would tell the driver I had to pee, and when the driver said “OK, I’ll pull off at the next exit,” my face would light up and I would proudly proclaim “Nope! No need! I’ve just finished this soda so I’ve got an empty bottle here!”

I wouldn’t be as stupid as Neil in The Inbetweeners when he peed in a beer can and cut his helmet on the metal, then got thrown out of a club later when he was in the bathroom inspecting the cut. Only plastic bottles with caps for me! I’m safe and hygienic.

Some people might consider this a kind of Freudian penis envy. I wouldn’t say that exactly. It’s more like ability-to-pee-without-hassle envy. If you are a man I urge you to live my dream and pee in as many bottles as you can. Do it for me.

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