(published with permission from Karen)
Superman might be a man of steel whose only weakness is a little green rock, but does he know where he’s going? No. What good is having every power in the world if you can’t find your way to the scene of the crime?
In the 50s there is no doubt about it – Superman got lost. The 2000s brought us the portable GPS, but before that the 1990s brought us Karen Kuhlman:
Why is she special, you ask. Good question. She possesses what no man – including Superman – has ever possessed. An internal compass. Karen adamantly – and I mean adamantly – maintains that no matter where she is, she just “knows” which direction is North because she has an “internal compass.” I asked her for a quote for this article and she said: “I just have a feeling deep inside me that tells me which way is north.”
Before you start thinking “Wow, that is really neat!” have a look at this picture:
(sorry for the link, I couldn’t download this one)
Would a person who truly has an internal compass (if such a thing existed) ever look confused by a map? Probably not. Somehow Karen’s compass causes a lot of fights with people who use logic as their main mode of tackling problems.
For this article I interviewed someone who has direct experience traveling with the world’s latest superhero, Compass Being, and I asked him his thoughts. He spoke to me only on the condition of anonymity to maintain his safety (as Compass Being she obviously would find him instantly if she knew his name):
“We walked about half a mile in the completely wrong direction. Karen is so faithful in her compass that she decided the Chicago Metropolitan government weren’t as reliable as her compass so she decided to ignore signs they had put up. The only thing that Karen’s compass is guaranteed to “find” is new ways to make her look like an absolute numpty.”
When you present the pure facts to her – that she’s wrong more times than she would statistically be correct by accident – this is what happens:
If you look closely you can see a pair of blue boots underneath the Adam Sandler poster. Karen was wearing blue dinosaur boots that day.
It’s kind of like talking to a religious person. When I say to her “It doesn’t count as having an internal compass when you occasionally choose the correct direction. I occasionally choose the correct direction. Everyone at some point accidentally picks the right way.”
Karen: “But I have an internal compass. I know where I’m going.”
Me and anonymous source: “Well…you don’t, because how do you explain all the times when you so completely choose the wrong way it’s just embarrassing?”
Karen: “I have an internal compass!! Just leave me alone!” [storms off to sit alone in a bus stop]
I guess every superhero has a downfall (like Kryptonite), so we shouldn’t be too hard on her. It’s just that Compass Being’s downfall is an out-of-whack compass.