Things To Watch Out For

I learned a long time ago that when you walk into a public bathroom there are a couple major things you check for.

First, you look at the toilet. You don’t want to lay one down on top of someone else’s dirty work. That’s just gross. What if you have splash back? Splash back is always gross, but at least you know it’s your own. Also, if you go into a stall with a toilet that has streak marks from a previous user, think about what the next person’s reaction is going to be if they see you exiting that stall. They will assume it was you, and you will have to look that person in the eye and take silent ownership even though it’s not yours. Once you enter that stall and shut the door, everything in it becomes yours-including smell.

Second, you check the amount of toilet paper. You don’t want to be sitting there mid-flow (whether it’s number 1 or 2) and have the horrific realization that you are going to have the remnants of your deed sitting in your underwear for the rest of the day.  I was sitting in a bar the other night and I had to go to the bathroom. One of the girls told me there was no toilet paper, and someone went to go get a few sheets. There was just enough for us, but no more. So I watched every other fabulously dressed girl go into the bathroom and come out a few minutes later. I knew that at best they  had pee dribbling down their leg. “Not so fabulous now, eh?” is what I was thinking every time.

I nearly always follow these two cardinal rules. But I made a mistake today. I walked into the bathroom at work and started doing my hair. Thirty seconds to a minute later I looked down and thought the toilet looked odd. WHAT THE ???

The toilet was so full with water that it was right near the edge. Nestled at the bottom was a nice stash of toilet paper completely clogging the toilet.

“Wait a second…is that a turd attached to the top of the bowl?? It’s not even touching the water!! How does that happen??!! Oh dear God…I’m in here and the door is shut. I own this beast now. There is no explaining this if someone is out there waiting.”

I made a split-second decision and decided to just go for it. I opened the door and luckily there was no one there-but it wasn’t over yet. I was still in front of the bathroom door with it swinging shut behind me, so if someone walked out of the office I would automatically claim ownership of a turd that wasn’t mine!

I ran up the stairs even though I don’t work upstairs. I work in the office next to the bathroom, but if I was coming in that door I could still be seen coming from the toilet and I might be discovered so I hung out upstairs for a couple minutes.

To full appreciate the oddity of this nugget I have provided a self-illustrated diagram. Please treat this as you would any other scientific diagram because the science and facts rise above the artistic medium: